Well what does that mean?

It is moments like these where I feel strangest. When I have a million things to do, a million things that hang in the balance, that if I fail at even one of them my life will be ruined forever. Here, I feel like giving up. Like throwing the towel in, kicking the bucket, going to sleep. However you want to interpret that is up to you. I hate school. I guess I never realized just how much I hate it, despise it. I hate the people, the process, the machine it makes me. I was never/will never be the efficient machine it wants me to be. I hate my life. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I am so tired of doing the same God damn thing every day in the hopes that it may some day get better. But I only grow more tired, more ugly, more strange every day. Less of anything that can become anything that can do anything that can be anything. It is in this moment that I need to put aside these feelings and study for these exams, otherwise I will give up like I always do and give in to sweet sleep, cause it doesn't matter how much I study anyway. I cannot do this this time. I just can't. I will fail if I give in. If I think about it to much. But it is starting. I don't know what to do. It will never change, it is how it has always been (will be). So what do I do what do I do? Will it ever get better? Or will I play this part forever? I don't know why. I won't sleep tonight, but that means when I take my exam tomorrow I will have a nervous breakdown in the middle of it from lack of sleep/ reading the same question over and over and over again like I always do. I'll still mess up, make the same mistakes, over and over again. Take test, fail, rinse, repeat. So self destructive, non productive, wasteful. Back to studying, if that makes any sense. It will be okay, just a moment of weakness. I'll either continue studying, or give in to go to sleep cause it won't matter anyway. Either way, nothing new.

This Is Halloween [Anime Expo 2010 AMTV Pro Winner]

Ummmm, amazing AMV!!!!

Air.

I've noticed the past few years, that sometimes I cannot breathe very well. I might go a few minutes without breathing, then my chest feels heavy and I take a deep breath in. Deep enough to overcome some threshold I feel needs to be met. If I don't reach it the first time I have to consciously do it again. These feelings last hours, or even all day. All day of not breathing, then taking a huge breath in. It was like that at school all day yesterday, and it started again when I got home a few hours ago. It feels weird, not breathing, and it is really tiring. It makes my eyes and head hurt. I feel the stale air sinking in my lungs waiting to be expelled, like WTF is the hold up? I wonder why I do this sometimes. Dunno if it is my problem, but the only thing I found online was it is an anxiety thing. That having periods of feeling like you can't get enough of a breath, or feel like you aren't breathing is because of a panic thing. Might be true. Dunno.

All I know is that when it happens, I am aware of it and try to control my breathing for a while. It gets old.

I see London . . .

Meet Meh Pets Episode I:

"The Needy One: London"

 

Meet London. She is the goofy middle child in my dysfunctional family. She is extremely annoying, but at the same time wonderful! I never thought I would find a dog like her. I adopted her from a local petstore on a whim. I had been glancing at petfinder.com for a while whenever I was bored, and saw her picture. They stated her breed was a terrier mix (lol, wut?). The next day I went to the store, and she happened to be there. She came home with me that day! Her little ears were floppy, and she had a little American flag bandana (cause it was around the 4th of July of course). She grew into the neediest child I have ever met. She is constanly part of your space, and loves to take up most of the bed. I think she may have some coyote in her. Everyone says so when they meet her. So instead of getting a German shepherd, I ended up with a shepherd/coyote mix :3 She can be crazy one second, and looking at me like, wut? the next. I luv her lots :)

This expresses her a bit more I think:

Diving Bell

So I had a midterm for my fish physiology exam due today. I had 24 hours to complete it, and I think it took like 6 or 7 to finish completely. Needless to say it took up a lot of my time. I suppose I could of worked on it more last night, but coconut chicken sounds waaaay more inviting. I did end up working more on it when I got home after eating said chicken. About midnight I began feeling ver y sl ee py. So who am I to argue with my sleep cycle? I dreamed about diving bells, something I had never heard of until I started my midterm, and the world wide web seems to know little about in terms of partial pressure anyway. . . And the horrors of decompression.

Back to the dream:
It was kinda creepy, being all cramped into an iron bell thing, and being lowered into the ocean. It felt really real and freaked me out. Later on in the dream I was in that stupid little yellow sub from the beginning of Titanic. Some freaking way I ended up outside of the sub, everyone inside was like, WTF?! I remember it felt really really cold. I was huddled on the bottom of the ocean with everyone looking at me from inside the sub like, how the bloody hell did you get outside and why are you not deceased?! I remember feeling like I was holding my breath. It was a weird experience. I reached into the piece of wreckage near me and grabbed something mundane out of it, that is all i remember, is that it was mundane. I just remember everything looking sad, and yellowly, and decrepit like in the movie when they did the dive. And very cold. And then somehow I was back in the sub, everyone was like, "whoa cool, apparently partial press this low won't crush you like we thought!" Thanks partial pressure, for the really cool dream.

House. Brilliant.

House comes on tonight!!! (( Hope he uses bleach :P ))

Choices are Liberating, unless you are insane.

This semester has been a semester of decision making of epic proportions. As I near my graduation date, the questions needing answers rises with a nice, graphable slope for all of you math people out there, with your graphs and such.

Honestly, the whole thing is pissing me off. I am in no state to make a capable decision about things that have such long term effects (affects?). People hate me for it, get mad at me, criticise me, and pity me for it. I even get angry about it. I hate it. I hate how I am about it. I feel silly, stomping my foot like a five year old because I have the liberty of choice in my life. Boo Hoo. At least I have the freedom to make decisions. Far reaching ones that could bring about THE END OF IT ALL if I don't choose right.

Pending Questions that are DRIVING ME INSANE (Some already have obvious answers, but that won't stop me from beating them to death):

1. Stay here or move back home?
2. Get a full time job here or back home? (obviously linked to #1)
3. Stay at my current job or find a new one?
4. Medicine?
5. Get a job somewhere completely different?
6. Continue trying to get into vet school or give up?
7. Keep my new hair cut or grow it out again (seriously, do I look like a dude now?)

blahblahblahblah

I can keep going over every possible scenario in my head over and over again hoping to find the absolute truth that is in the question, or just make a fricken decision and if it does not work out know I am still young and my life won't be over. I mean seriously, one scenario itching at the back of my skull has a zombie apocalypse, in which case living at home would be the best answer, cause then I would not have to travel across state to save my family. (Although my little sister would be a formidable zombie eliminator in my opinion). As silly as it sounds, it has some root in truth. I mean, what if there was some disaster, natural or man made? Obviously I would want to be with my family. Should I base a life changing decision on what could or could not happen? No, I guess. But the severity of how I feel about such things depends on my anxiety level. Right now, it should not. . .obviously. But on a severely stressful day A DISASTER IS INEVITABLE AND I SHOULD CONSIDER THIS IN MY DECISION MAKING. God, I am such a lost cause.

So, congrats on reaching the bottom of this incredibly random post. I hope you enjoyed. Stick around and you'll see me on a really stressful day and get some interesting/life changing post I am sure. More later.

Passion

I used to be passionate about things. I used to want to chase tornados. . .film them with hail raining down around me and understand them better, save lives, do something that matters. I wanted to cure cancer, save animals from extinction, create an art exhibit, swim with a great white shark. . .each time I was told "You can't do that" "It's impossible" "Don't be silly". And, after a while of being told this as a child, you come to accept that you truly cannot change the world. And I know I know, you are thinking, "But you could overcome! Be the exception to the rule". Bull shit. There is no true exception to the rule. No one really transcends reality. It breaks the majority of us. Those that seem to pass thru it are empty. They become hollow symbols of what it truly means to be "human". Their achievements are put on posters in broken down public schools. There, behind a glossy film, they stand with their arms lifted in triumph with something like, "Believe in Your Dreams" underneath. Every hero I have had turns out they were depressed, suicidal, or feared for their life. So, Bah humbug. Life is indeed pointless, excuse the cynicism. But it is true. There are no real achievements, only short lived periods of happiness. No one really accomplishes anything. So why try?