For my eyes only.

What a horrible day, week, month. Going home to stay with my family is the very definition of bittersweet.
Right now, I feel so very tired. Weak and heavy. I don't feel much emotion wise. Just the same heavy weight in my stomach, a pain in my neck and head, and a deep sense of dread.

Too many cats, too many people, too much fighting. Too much of me being wrong all of the time and hateful and bitchy, apparently. I feel so isolated here. I just want to scream and throw the chairs through the glass table and then run off. I did this I didn't do that, don't you know what you did? You did it. You always do it. You are always wrong wrong wrong.


Damn, I haven't written anything really over the break because I knew it would be dark and dreary dreary dreary. And no one wants to hear me complain. But it hurts so much. And everyone else has someone to run to to complain about me to.

I go to work in a few hours. That has been what my days here are about. Waiting to go to work.

What to do what to do what to do.

My dad is not a father. He is a frat boy. They type I avoid because they are so fucking annoying. He whistles and sings stupid songs in a stupid fake voice and goes "Huh?" really loud because he knows it pisses me off and makes me want to rip my hair out. And when I do show it is driving me nuts he gets all screwy eyed and asks what MY problem is. I hate him so much.

Sparkling Grapejuice

A totally fresh new year. Stayed up with my little sister while she played on her phone and I watched the Nanny. At the last minute Fran was making up with Mr.Shetfield when I remembered the ball was about to drop on channel 5. I flipped over and watched Dick Clark count down as well as he could after a stroke he had a few years ago. It just wouldn't be New Years without him though, and I hate watching Ryan Seacrest slowly take away his tv time each year.

Went to bed shortly after that and said Happy New Year to my sister and texted the greeting to a few of my friends. My mom went to bed early, my dad even earlier and I still wish I had just opened that bottle of wine for myself since they probably would not of noticed anyway. But I didn't really feel like drinking anyway. I had enough sparkling grapejuice to wake me up enough times in the middle of the night anyway.

I was delighted at 2:30 AM to wake up to my shepherd mix vomiting up carpet pieces onto the comforter. Joy. Picked that up and went back to bed without a warm blanket in a house without any heat. People who aren't dog people are probably grossed out by now, but I really don't mind. I'd rather pick that up than a kid's who ate too much candy or something. . .

It was worth getting up to fall asleep to a light thunderstorm though. Mixed blessings. 

My new year's wish ((not resolution)) is to get into vet school. I already failed to get into Mississippi Vet School. Which is not something I will elaborate on at this time. I only have one school left and I won't find out until February. Guess we will see. I hope I hope.

:/

Yup, trying really really hard not to freak out. So far so good. But I can feel the stress of failure, worry, etc etc starting to tip the scales. Don't be surprised if the most emo post in the world of all time is found on this blog around 2am.

:/

David Tennant does not seem to be amused with my musings. How his sexy glance makes me want to drop out of school and move overseas and hope I bump into him at a quaint market one day. Hopefully we can have the most interesting chat about cytoskeleton filament regulation, that would make tonight's studies worth it.

Trying really really really really hard to be positive today and not give up on school right here at the end.

But today will be a good day today will be a good day today will be a good day today will be a good  day :)

". . ."

     So today has just been, "one of those days". Completely my fault. I have known the end of the semester was coming for a while now. I just ignored it, hoped it would get better like I always do. Kept my head in the clouds, waiting for something that will never happen, lost in daydreams that amounted to nothing.

     I am not getting any younger. The longer I stand around waiting for good things to happen, the less likely is it they will. Exponentially falling.

      So tired of life right now. Tired of how it just sucks, but not enough to matter. It sucks just enough, that when I mope around about it I look pathetic. Jesus, it isn't like my arms are falling off because of a terrible disease or anything. Even my problems are mediocre. "Mediocre". Just enough to look pathetic and I should just get over it. Blah.

     It all comes down to this: I think I know I want to go to vet school.  And hopefully I can platform from there to bigger and better things.

     Until then I have been swimming around a very  crowded pool of people with the same "dream" of Vet School. I don't really stand out here, I am just swimming around with a dazed look on my face, thinking of how I would really really like to be somewhere else.
     People around me are panicking. Some think they are sinking. . .they cling to the side, desperately kicking and floating in the shallow end. . .worried for no reason. Others, truly are sinking. They scream, flail, reach out to others to help them. But in the end, the sinking person sinks to the bottom of the pool. Here, one of two things can happen:
1. They Die. They die because they can't figure out what else they want to do with their life. What their true passion is. They have nothing else, nothing promising. They die. Or. . .
2.They find a little cave at the bottom that leads somewhere else, somewhere they were supposed to of been all along, silly. They thrive and move onto different bigger and better things.
     In the meantime, I have been kind of watching this. Watching the sinking people, watching the panicked ones, watching as the bell whistles and a select few are helped out of the pool and congratulated on their success of treading water for 14 years, they can finally join the party! ((Which turns out to be another pool, awesome. . . )).
    Well, as I have been daydreaming, I have drifted to the deep end of the pool. Where the cave lurks below, and the bodies of those who could not find the cave peer up at me from the darkness. Suddenly, I feel tired, I can't swim anymore. My focus is leaving the daydream, and I can feel how cold the water has actually been. I start to feel how tired my muscles have gotten, and realize I am starting to sink. I am not a good swimmer. I am starting to panic. The water is so deep, I can't touch the bottom. What do I do now?

Well what does that mean?

It is moments like these where I feel strangest. When I have a million things to do, a million things that hang in the balance, that if I fail at even one of them my life will be ruined forever. Here, I feel like giving up. Like throwing the towel in, kicking the bucket, going to sleep. However you want to interpret that is up to you. I hate school. I guess I never realized just how much I hate it, despise it. I hate the people, the process, the machine it makes me. I was never/will never be the efficient machine it wants me to be. I hate my life. I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate it. I am so tired of doing the same God damn thing every day in the hopes that it may some day get better. But I only grow more tired, more ugly, more strange every day. Less of anything that can become anything that can do anything that can be anything. It is in this moment that I need to put aside these feelings and study for these exams, otherwise I will give up like I always do and give in to sweet sleep, cause it doesn't matter how much I study anyway. I cannot do this this time. I just can't. I will fail if I give in. If I think about it to much. But it is starting. I don't know what to do. It will never change, it is how it has always been (will be). So what do I do what do I do? Will it ever get better? Or will I play this part forever? I don't know why. I won't sleep tonight, but that means when I take my exam tomorrow I will have a nervous breakdown in the middle of it from lack of sleep/ reading the same question over and over and over again like I always do. I'll still mess up, make the same mistakes, over and over again. Take test, fail, rinse, repeat. So self destructive, non productive, wasteful. Back to studying, if that makes any sense. It will be okay, just a moment of weakness. I'll either continue studying, or give in to go to sleep cause it won't matter anyway. Either way, nothing new.

This Is Halloween [Anime Expo 2010 AMTV Pro Winner]

Ummmm, amazing AMV!!!!