For my eyes only.

What a horrible day, week, month. Going home to stay with my family is the very definition of bittersweet.
Right now, I feel so very tired. Weak and heavy. I don't feel much emotion wise. Just the same heavy weight in my stomach, a pain in my neck and head, and a deep sense of dread.

Too many cats, too many people, too much fighting. Too much of me being wrong all of the time and hateful and bitchy, apparently. I feel so isolated here. I just want to scream and throw the chairs through the glass table and then run off. I did this I didn't do that, don't you know what you did? You did it. You always do it. You are always wrong wrong wrong.


Damn, I haven't written anything really over the break because I knew it would be dark and dreary dreary dreary. And no one wants to hear me complain. But it hurts so much. And everyone else has someone to run to to complain about me to.

I go to work in a few hours. That has been what my days here are about. Waiting to go to work.

What to do what to do what to do.

My dad is not a father. He is a frat boy. They type I avoid because they are so fucking annoying. He whistles and sings stupid songs in a stupid fake voice and goes "Huh?" really loud because he knows it pisses me off and makes me want to rip my hair out. And when I do show it is driving me nuts he gets all screwy eyed and asks what MY problem is. I hate him so much.

Sparkling Grapejuice

A totally fresh new year. Stayed up with my little sister while she played on her phone and I watched the Nanny. At the last minute Fran was making up with Mr.Shetfield when I remembered the ball was about to drop on channel 5. I flipped over and watched Dick Clark count down as well as he could after a stroke he had a few years ago. It just wouldn't be New Years without him though, and I hate watching Ryan Seacrest slowly take away his tv time each year.

Went to bed shortly after that and said Happy New Year to my sister and texted the greeting to a few of my friends. My mom went to bed early, my dad even earlier and I still wish I had just opened that bottle of wine for myself since they probably would not of noticed anyway. But I didn't really feel like drinking anyway. I had enough sparkling grapejuice to wake me up enough times in the middle of the night anyway.

I was delighted at 2:30 AM to wake up to my shepherd mix vomiting up carpet pieces onto the comforter. Joy. Picked that up and went back to bed without a warm blanket in a house without any heat. People who aren't dog people are probably grossed out by now, but I really don't mind. I'd rather pick that up than a kid's who ate too much candy or something. . .

It was worth getting up to fall asleep to a light thunderstorm though. Mixed blessings. 

My new year's wish ((not resolution)) is to get into vet school. I already failed to get into Mississippi Vet School. Which is not something I will elaborate on at this time. I only have one school left and I won't find out until February. Guess we will see. I hope I hope.